Communicating is an inside job

Earlier this week I was in awe of the sunlight shining through our beautiful apricot tree as the leaves reflect beautiful autumn colours.  I’m reflecting on how light shines through us and how much of our ‘being-ness’ is an inside job; that we’re totally responsible for ourselves.  And so beingness my theme for this winter and how we are an ‘inside job’.

What do I mean by that?  To illustrate it easily with a diagram, I refer to Stephen Covey’s circle of influence and circle of concern which you can find here.  There are lots of things I can choose to be concerned about, which can consume the mental real estate between my ears.  And I always remember a beautiful question posed by one of my WOW (wise owl women) friends (sorry I can’t remember which one of you it was), about ‘Why are you letting these thoughts live rent-free in your head Barbara?  What return are you getting on them?”  And of course that gets me thinking – the old thinking circle …  When I concern myself about things I cannot control, I am wasting valuable mental real estate.  There are some things I can influence, and I choose what, who, how, when and where I apply my influence, or whether I choose not to.  All the while remembering, that not choosing, is in fact choosing to stay the same.  In the centre, is where I have control.  I liken it to driving.  I have the steering wheel in my hands, my feet have full access to all foot pedals, and I can see clearly the instruments and controls on the dashboard and have a clear view out the windscreen and in my side and rear-view mirrors.  I am 360 degrees aware and fully in control.  Sounds exciting hey?  I’m driving, I’m navigating (sometimes with the help of GPS of course), and ultimately I’m in control.  I’m in my circle of control and this metaphor can be applied to any thinking really.  Sometimes I might be allowing someone else to navigate … or steer … or take charge of the speed … Imagine that if you’re in the drivers’ seat of your car … yikes!  

What I often hear in workshops and coaching sessions is a collection of preconceived ideas, judgements and assumptions about what is happening outside of the person, with comments such as, “They need to change”; “It’s not me, it’s them”; or “If they would only use their common sense …”.  These comments are sometimes spoken with great respect for the other, and sometimes with total disrespect.  This is where Covey’s diagram comes in … when I make these comments about others, I’m putting the problem outside of me, or outside of my car.  This means the issue is in my circle of influence or concern, which means, I have very little control over the situation or person.  Back to the driving metaphor – the only thing I can control when I’m driving is my speed, and choice of direction.  If someone stops in front of me – I want to be prepared to stop quickly – I can’t control the external events, which means I’d like to choose to travel at a speed where I can attend easily and comfortably with the unexpected.  Are you starting to pick up on the theme yet? 

In client and workshop situations I’ve heard statements such as “I’m in charge, so they should just do what I say and follow the rules/instructions”.  When I hear this my favourite question (after a reflective listening statement of course), is, “If you were the person you’re speaking about, how would you feel if someone spoke those words to you?”  Most of the time, we don’t like it when someone ‘tells’ us what to do.  It’s a roadblock and has the potential to turn us away from the person who often, just wants to help.  That’s the problem too – sometimes we think we’re helping when really, we’re not, and that’s a conversation for another time.  Back to the ‘inside job’ …

I listen.  When I listen, I get to hear things I may have been unaware of or assumed or judged or generalised about.   So, where does that leave me?  Well, let’s start with what I really want.  How is it an inside job when I want my team, family, the people around me to do the right thing, and they’re not listening?  How is it an inside job when I want someone else to use their common sense?  For me, the first thing I check in with, is what’s my intention or what would I like to have happen?  Often, I’d like them to listen to me.  So, I adjust my speed, take my foot off the accelerator, apply the brake gently, drop down a gear and I do what Stephen Covey advises in his seven habits – I seek first to understand, or, I might ask myself questions like:
– What am I assuming about this person or situation?
– What questions could I ask to help me understand?
– What would they like from this conversation?
– What would I like to have happen as a result of this conversation?  I can get curious and potentially move the situation from where it is to somewhere different.  Most of the time, I find the problem is not the real problem. 

So, how do I get control of my smart, intelligent, all wise, resourced vehicle, oops, sorry, I mean thinking?   For me, to listen to the other person, is totally an inside job, requiring me to turn off the inner conversation and give a full body listening response.  And then I might start with asking them open questions to help them understand the situation for themselves.  And there’s a little more to it, which we cover off in our ‘Courageous Conversations Made Easy’ training (aka Transforming Communication) which is coming up in a couple of weeks’ time.  And yes – we have seats available.    

Opinion alert:  There’s no such thing as difficult people.  Difficult is a label, or generalisation we make in our heads, that is, it’s an inside job.  Often the people around us who are upset have cause to be and the reasons are as wide as they are deep.  I believe someone ought to start the conversation and offer the skills to hold the space of grace, while managing themselves in a resourceful, supportive way.  Sometimes, that’s me.  And, if I’m going to initiate the conversation, I need to be prepared with skills and tools to deal with it when it gets tricky or sticky.  I certainly want to know how to manage myself from the inside out so I can hold myself calm even when something outside of me may be triggering or upsetting.  I want to be able to full body listen to this person, without judgement, without assumptions, without jumping in to resolve it based on how I think and what works for me.  Holding the space of grace is an art and a skill and it starts from the inside-out.  

Communicating is an inside job. 20250611